Originally written April 17, 2012 

TOPEKA, KS – Ken Garber has had enough. Just weeks after hiring someone he thought was a promising addition to the News 12 team, the beleaguered director of programming says he’s facing a full-blown crisis in the weather department. Garber agreed to sit down with us yesterday for an in-depth discussion of what went wrong. 

“It all started in January, when old Archie Fairfield finally decided to call it quits. Arch had been handling the daily forecasts for nigh on three decades, and it was time to retire. He recommended his grand-nephew Kyle, fresh out of community college. Kyle’s references really impressed us, and he totally nailed the interview. Even quoted The Tempest once, which I guess should have tipped us off. But we had no idea what was coming, especially cause it all started so harmlessly. At first he just worked in some standard weatherman puns and wordplay, like ‘We all know April showers bring May flowers, but what about April torrential downpours, eh? Be sure to pack an umbrella this afternoon!’ or ‘Well, if you’ve got any hay to make, I’ve got great news! The sun will be shining this whole week!’ The producers cringe a bit, cause they get jaded, but folks seem to like that sort of insipid jollity, so it’s cool.” 

“Anyway, pretty soon Kyle was having a bit too much fun with it; even got an article written about him in the paper ... something like ‘local boy gains fame with wacky weather witticisms.’ That really went to his head. Soon he was doing forecasts like, ‘Looks like we’ve got THUNDERBOLTS AND LIGHTNING, VERY VERY FRIGHT’NING moving in at about 3 o’clock, so be sure to let people stand under your umbrella, but don’t try to set fire to the rain, or you’ll singe your umbrella, and what use is it then, am I right? Hm? Haha? Yes? Ha! Back to you, Jim!’ And then Jim would have to be like, ‘Ha ha! eh heh heh. That Kyle Fairfield, right folks? A chip off the old block. Anywayyy, eight rescue dogs died in a fire this morning, and coming up, a new report suggests that the greater Topeka area will soon be infested with a plague of giant “bunk-buster” bedbugs! Do stay tuned.’ And so then Jim would lose viewers.”

“This was already a bad situation,” Garber continued. “But then something changed. Around the start of March I think it was, Kyle met some girl. They hit it off, and it was all very nice, but soon he began altering his weather report scripts here and there, and we started getting some complaints.” He showed us a bulging blue folder and picked a couple papers out at random. They are reproduced below. 

 I’m normally a loyal viewer of News 12, and depend on it daily for my weather predictions, which old Arch did with such gravitas. The new guy though … something is wrong with that young man. Last Tuesday he stated, and I quote, “All of Kansas will bask under the beautiful rays of love and warmth for the foreseeable future.” It rained on Tuesday. And on Wednesday, he devoted his entire “Travel Advisory” segment to an hour-by-hour analysis of conditions at Grant Park, where “birds sing, the grass is soft, and the duck pond sparkles invitingly nearby. Perfect for a picnic, wouldn’t you agree, dear?” 

“We call that ‘narrowcasting’ in the news biz, by the way,” said Garber grimly. “It's like broadcasting, but to a very, very small target audience. Bad for ratings, don’tcha know. Here’s another letter we got.”

Ok so, what's up with this. I was just checking in to see if today’s ballgame would be rained out, and this Fairfield dude is like, “You can expect another glorious afternoon, at least if you’re anywhere around Summer (‘That’s right,’ interjected Garber wearily. ‘Her name is Summer. Please.’), who radiates sunshine, joy, and gentle breezes wherever she goes. You're the best, Summer!” I mean, that’s cute and all, but it sure don’t help me plan my day, now does it! I’m THIS CLOSE to switching to ABC 13 you guys. 

Subsequent investigations indicate that there are no such meteorological phenomena associated with the individual in question. 

But this cheery outlook did not last. After a few weeks, Fairfield began arriving to work late, gloomy and listless. His forecasts became simultaneously darker and more lyrical. Tens of thousands of eyewitnesses report that he started bringing an old guitar onto the set, and sang halting, bluesy dirges about the day’s weather outlook, like this one from last week:

“We gotta keep our eyes on
The clouds on the horizon.
They should be rollin’ in today
And I think they’ll be here to stay.
There ain’t no silver linin’
And that's why I’ll be pinin’.” 

“Whoaaa-oohhh,” Fairfield continued, in a dubious falsetto. 

“Yeah, yeah, oh no no no,” he added plaintively. 

“Things finally got unacceptable this past Thursday,” Garber told us. “Kyle put a black and white photograph of lightning striking a tree up on the greenscreen, with ‘This is what heartbreak feels like” written underneath. Then for the forecast, he was just like, ‘Well, it looks like we’ve got some sadness and despair coming through this afternoon, along with a 95 percent chance of a bitter and lonely future. Jim, all yours.’ At least Jim liked this: ‘Tough stuff, Kyle! Well, on a lighter note, local foreclosures are at a record high, and new reports confirm fears of a debilitating food-borne illness in every single fast-food establishment in Topeka. But remember! At least you’ve got lots of loved ones to help you get through these times, unlike Kyle .’”

“I'm really not sure what to do at this point,” Garber said, rubbing his chin. “I’d totally fire him, but then he’d probably write angry songs about us, and for PR reasons we’re hoping to avoid that. But! We take solace in the fact that, really, he seems to have very little talent, and his musical career probably won’t go anywhere.”

Garber thought for a moment, then nodded slowly. “Good call, Summer.”