By Jamie Silva

Originally penned on July 19 2010

SACRAMENTO CA — Members of the Larkin home voiced their opposition Sunday to Household Bill 23, which would give many of them year-round jobs. Under the provisions of the proposal, entitled “The Community Improvement and Reinvestment Act: Putting All You Kids Back To Work,” every member of the family would be assigned at least one job around the house. Mr Terry Larkin and his wife Lauren, who thought up, co-authored, and unanimously passed the bill, said in a statement, “It’s high time the children have some real responsibilities—we’ve had enough of the stagnant business climate around here. Plus, some of them are getting downright lazy.”

Mark, who at 15 is the oldest of the 4 Larkin offspring, decried his daily trash-gathering mandate as “way way too much work.”

“Dude. Come on,” he added.

The table-setting/clearing duties were delegated to Gary, 8, who railed against the policy in his rarely popular “News & Views with Awesome Gary” show, which airs pretty much all day every day for goodness sake, and can be heard throughout most of the house. At the emotional apex of last night’s program, Gary teared up when referencing what he described as “the totally unfair state of affairs in our house today.”

“Whatever happened to the good old days,” he continued, in a wistful yet belligerent tone, “those days when people valued freedom? When oppression of every kind was seen for what it is: sooooooooo mean. I’m coming to doubt the wisdom of my founding father.”

In response, Mr Larkin argued that 3 minutes of lightweight labor is nothing to fret about. “I know Gary is just looking to improve his attention ratings, but such one-sided partisan ranting is not what this family needs right now. Lauren and I fully intend to stay the course and make sure this place looks nice for once. Also, Gary, go to your room.”

Meanwhile, Sue and Jenny, age 11, objected strongly to their new dishwashing roles. As twins, they form a powerful voting bloc, and (according to Gary) are able to leverage perceived cuteness to get whatever they want. Jenny, incapacitated by tears, was unable to comment on the supposed revitalizing effect on family life of H.B. 23. She instead deferred to Sue, who stated “Nuh-uuh!” before collapsing into a similar state. 

Under Section 11 of the controversial bill, “everyone will be expected to help out with odd jobs like lawnmowing and helping out Dad in the garage, or else.” Despite promises of monetary compensation for so-called “extra” work, few have shown interest in the activities. Mr Larkin declared the lukewarm response “completely unacceptable.”

“With such terrible domestic work ethic, it’s no wonder we’re falling behind our neighbors in key areas such as agriculture, manufacturing, and yard tidiness. Just last week I had to outsource pruning the hedge to Ben from across the street. In fact, I’ve had to pay a bunch of kids over the last few weeks to do the jobs that Larkins won’t do.”

Analysts attribute worker apathy to the recent unionization of the children, who have used the threat of a strike to combat similar past initiatives. Chanting slogans such as “Dessert first, work later” and “Noooooooooo No No No,” they linked arms in front of the driveway in a show of solidarity, temporarily preventing Mr Larkin from pulling his car in when he came home from work. The rally was dispersed when he sent them all to their respective rooms “until dinner, and believe me, we will talk about this later.”

Sources report that Mrs Larkin is so fed up with “all these lazy attitudes” that she is considering switching from financial to in-kind aid until her kids shape up. “Why should I give them allowance money if they just spend it rotting their teeth at the corner drugstore? From now on they can eat an apple or an orange if they’re hungry. 30 years from now, when all their friends have diabetes, they’ll thank me.”

The newly formed “Kids Kouncil” soon issued a statement, which read “Diabetes Schmiabetes.”