Job Qualifications; or, An Honest Cover Letter

“Qualifications” as in, “the qualifications a job must have before warranting an application.” 😌

Editor’s note: The following was not written in reference to, inspired by, or intended as a commentary upon any specific current or former job, office or place of work, any of which may or may not have possessed some, all or none of the qualities and attributes listed below, which both in their totality as well as several particularities are properly understood as satirical in nature. This notice serves to absolve the author of any fault, liability or indemnity, whether proven or alleged, arising from or pursuant to the material below, and by proceeding to read it you hereby give your implied — as well as fully and unequivocally informed — nonverbal consent to the same. Also, I like my current job of speech coaching! 😀

Mk that’s probably enough disclaimers. Here ’tis:

Job Qualifications; Or, An Honest Cover Letter

I want a job that is easy and fun
With a sense of fulfillment when the workday is done.
Where the meetings are short and vacations are long,
And top-quality swag can be had for a song.

Where we pop in quite late and leave rather early,
And bosses are never oppressive or surly.
I want a job with an easy commute,
And a break room well-stocked with big baskets of fruit.

Where the deadlines are soft so there’s oft time to kill,
Where the founders are cool and the vibe’s pretty chill.
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And working through lunch strikes us all as absurd.

Compensation, of course, should be suitably generous
Lest I be left in the poorhouse or penniless.
Healthcare insurance should cover all premiums
Plus a masseuse — in fact, a whole team of ‘em.

The 401k plan should match to the max
To keep my retirement plans on their tracks.
May the dress code be casual — no starched shirts required
So I’d never show up uncomfortably attired.

Telecommuting should be all the rage
Lest the office begin to feel like a cage.
I’d be on a team of friendly coworkers
Not a bunch of connivers or shirkers.

Have I mentioned bonuses? Those should be large
And not based on the whims of whoever’s in charge.
There’d be company outings for ladies and gents
In parks and on boats and at sporting events.

A stock option or two couldn’t hurt I suppose!
I could cash it in fast or watch as it grows.
Just one other thing I neglected to ask —
Would I have the right to decline any task?

It just might not suit me, you see, or be such
That I couldn’t enjoy it quite nearly as much
As I ought to for it to be worth my time.
Which I want to use wisely. Is that such a crime?

Yes I want a job that is easy and fun.
Contact me below if yours might be the one.