AREA MAN FINDS PERFECT JOB

By Jamie Silva
Originally penned in February 2014

BUFFALO, NY — Derek Hensworth, 22, was thrilled Friday to discover an employment opportunity tailored precisely to his perceived strengths. “It fits me to a T,” he said, enthusiastically adjusting the bullet point alignment on his resume. “I’ve been looking for something like this my whole life.” The job description is notable for being composed entirely of intangibles — character traits and personal qualities that are conveniently difficult to measure, and whose interpretation is largely subjective. Phrases such as “driven to succeed” and “solutions-oriented” are common, while demands for concrete skills and capabilities are nowhere to be found. 

Derek asked us to use this photo of him looking especially dynamic.

“I love it,” exclaimed Hensworth, as he added “positive attitude” and “a real people person” to his list of strengths. “I’m as energized and dynamic as they come, just like it says there in the ‘Desired Qualifications’ section. Dynamic Derek, that’s what they called me in high school. I think critically and make quick decisions all the time ... that’s why I never spend more than a few seconds picking what I want at restaurants. I’m just like, ‘a nice chicken sandwich would hit the spot right now,’ and boom! I get it, just like that. Plus, I’ve been a hard worker and a self-starter for as long as I can remember, and as far as being a team player goes ... please! Teamwork is what I do for a living, man.”

“Figuratively, of course,” he added, with a look of slight concern. “I actually don’t do anything for a living right now, and haven’t for a while. Hm.” 

What could have been a moment of genuine and valuable self-discovery was swiftly passed over after another glance at the listing; soon, Hensworth was upbeat once again. Especially cheering was the fact that the firm appears desirous of hiring candidates that aim for results, love to achieve, and stay focused on the bottom line. “Check, check, and check, buddy,” he laughed, overjoyed at the plethora of prerequisites that would ordinarily be described as merely the vaguest preconditions for on-the-job success. “I mean it might as well say, ‘Now Hiring: Derek Hensworth. Those who are not Derek Hensworth need not apply. Please apply today, Derek.’ This stuff is me all the way, no question.”  

Hensworth admits to usually being quite cowed by employer demands for things like previous work experience, quantifiable achievements, and most anything involving demonstrable talent in some area or other. “That’s tough stuff right there,” he noted somberly, trying unsuccessfully to mask a gentle shudder. “I just want something I can really sink my teeth into ... something that involves passion, you know? That’s what I’m all about — being passionate about stuff. It’s, ah, a passion of mine.” 

Who’s a good worker?

Dr Herb Kerns of Dartmouth College’s Tuck School of Business finds the increasing focus on what he calls “personality skills” rather troubling. ”What I try to tell my students is this: unless it’s clear that a reasonably intelligent labrador retriever does not possess these skills, it’s probably not very impressive that you do.”

Tim Schubert, a human resources analyst based out of Minneapolis, argues in opposition that there are good reasons that such hazy qualities are in high demand. “No business wants to advertise the fact that they’re primarily looking for candidates who will show up, be fairly competent at a few very learnable tasks, and not stab anybody. Honesty about how low the bar is that applicants have to meet would be pretty dispiriting to everybody involved, even though those three things are actually a really good formula for succeeding at life overall. So firms gussy up their position descriptions with whatever uplifting phrases can be ripped from the index of the latest corporate self-help pamphlet. Thus, folks who, say, feel like they have a commitment to excellence and love feedback on their performance are flattered enough to apply — and they, happily enough, are usually the less stabby ones, if you know what I mean. It’s a pretty effective system, actually.” 

We were able to reach Derek’s mother for comment on his employment situation, mainly because she happened into the kitchen while this interview was being conducted. She was quick to agree that Hensworth does indeed possess a can-do attitude, a big-picture perspective combined with attention to detail, a willingness to follow instructions while thinking outside the box, and a dedication to meeting deadlines. “Except for the trash bins, dear,” she added. “They’re supposed to be brought back in from the curb by Tuesday, remember?”